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THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CORTNEY GEE

rehashing some old tales for your reading pleasure,
Greetings to all from your globe trotting partner in comedy crime Cortney Gee.

I'm current sipping boat drinks on the beach watching waves crash against the surf admiring the seagulls or whatever water fowl this is diving into the water searchimg for libation. I'm on the British controlled island of Diego Garcia ( so around here if you hear the English are coming the English are coming they must be having an island wide orgy) entertaining the troops getting my Bob Hope on ( USO stylee) .

While here I have been afforded the luxury of getting to participate in water activities that are normally reserved for people of a higher status than the one I've obtained thus far in life .
Like yesterday I went deep sea fishing in hunt of Marlin ... talking about the man in the sea Ernest Hemingway would have been proud . We started out around 2 in the afternoon and only stayed out till about four .. I guess you can tell where this tale is leading ... Hell nah I didn't catch no damn fish but I did get a great tan , like my dark ass needed one ... I've become so dark I need white gloves on to eat tootsie rolls.
The opening act and very good friend of mine Marc Howard ( of BET Comicview " Prince looks like Halle Berry with a goatee.") did catch a barracuda it was lil but hey he won this battle . But I still made more money than he does so fuck him right ....
The real treat of out two hour excursion was when a pod of dolphin ( like 12 of them )decided to race along side our boat and marvelled us with their aquatic antics and mastery of the bow wave . It was amazing how gracefully these animals moved along with our boat without injury . They were very friendly until they realized that we hadn't caught shit and told us adios. I hope that my description of this helps you to visualize the excitement that I had especially since it was free and so were the dolphins. This wasn't Sea World where the animals are held prisoner and taught to amuse humans this was human animal contact as it was intended to be . Now you are probably wondering why I am babbling about this but I will let you in on a secret of mine . Every since I was a child I wanted to be Jacque Negro Custeou. Yep that was until I saw Jaws in 77' now I don't water my grass without looking over my shoulder. I remember telling my step dad and mom that I wanted to get a dolphin and a chimpanzee for Christmas so I decided I didn't want to get a birthday present ( I was saving up !) . They didn't have the heart to tell me you can't have a dolphin in the inner city so they tried to surprise me and told me that I was having a lil sister ... Upon seeing her born I was like well isn't that special all I need is flipper now seeing they hooked me up with Cheetah hehehehehhee. Boy if Aimee ever reads this journal she is going to cut me with a rusty butter knife .

Well the first show has gone well ... the commanding officer didn't mind Marc and I teasing him and as we anticipated the troops found it to be hilarious .This a very small tight knit unit they all know each other . The funniest thing was that one of the officers wore a pager ... now he knows damn well this place ain't big enough for a pager by the time the pager would go off you would bump into the person that paged you. " Hey John I just paged you !" BEEP BEEP BEEP ... yeah I'm just getting it .

We are having a bar b que in honor of our being here so I hope to get shots of the lil shing dig .

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CORTNEY GEE

About 7 years ago I took a trip to japan and was astonished by the things I didn't see ...

Greetings to all from your friend here in the Orient doing what I do best making groups of drunks in dimly lit rooms laugh . While I'm out here I'm doing my best to absorb some of the rich culture that the Asians have to offer but to be honest I'm seeing more of our ( Western ) culture while here . I'm in Tokyo right now ... they have McDonald's which is a real treat seeing no blacks workin the drive thru and frie machine or white people in the blue shirts supervising them. Everyone in the McDonald's was japanese which is fair seeing that I am in Japan . Was offered to go to Tokyo Disnedyland which cost about 80 dollars , now I was thinking for 80 dollars Mickey and Minnie are going to have to perform a live sex show ... and Darkwing Duck would have to blow Pluto . You know I was hoping that there would be more people dressed in the Geisha outfits walking around but noooooooooo All the ladies are into Tommy Hilfiger and the men wear Hugo Boss ... you talk about Ballin these people be clubbin do you hear me . Everyone has a cellular phone here even if they don't have a home phone . I saw a bag lady with a cellular phone no bullshit ... I was like who is this lady calling the homeless shelter to tell them she will be coming in a lil late ? I wouldn't be surprised that in twenty years the entire population of the country perishes from brain tumors.


Now most who know me understand that I'm not the tourist sight seeing type but there was one thing that pissed me off to the highest level of pistivity the fact that there is no Musuem in tribute to their most recognizable export " GODZILLA "
I mean how disrespectful is that ? We have Mount Rushmore in tribute to Ex Presidents that have only served for no more than two terms .... Where GODZILLA has been around since 1952 . He has kicked the shit outta Tokyo and Perry Mason. Came back from the depths of the Japan Sea to defend the japanese from Ghidrah ( monster x) and some cheesy ass aliens that looked like the locals in suits made out of Handy Wrap. How can you not have a statue erected in the middle of Tokyo in tribute their most influential ambassador of Good Will? American children would have not known how technologically advanced the japanese were if we didn't have to realize that each week after Godzilla stumped a mud hole in their ass they could rebuild it just so that he could come back next Sat afternoon and clear that shit out again.
In America we have the Statue of Liberty and that woman ain't even from the US ... how can the Japanese dog Godzilla ? In Chicago the have a statue of Micheal Jordan at the United Center ... yeah Mike has scored many points but has he ever jumped up 200 feet in the air to slam dunk Mothra? In Louisville there is a statue of Muhhammed Ali no doubt " The Greatest of his Era " but not even Muhhamed had to get em up with King Kong ... don't sleep those not knowing only in US diid Kong win .... the japanese version found him flat on his back counting Faye Wrays. In Minnesota Jesse The Body Ventura Has become the Govenor which is an incredible feat but never did Jesse defend the Tag Team Belt more than Godzilla ( he and Jet Jaguar blew out Megalon .... and let's not even begin to talk about the great matches he and Rodan treated us too) .Now maybe the japanese are punishing GODZILLA for that wasteful reincarnation that we suffered through this summer ...OK so he had a sex change , went to a bad plastic surgeon and didn't look shit like the GODZILLA we grew up knowing but he still was the KING OF MONSTERS .

Ok enough about The Beloved Behemoth of many .. had to speak up for him that's all...

I'm on a plane right now to go to Diego Garcia somewhere near India and Africa ... it's the base were the troops lax before hitting Iraq. So I feel like i'm doing some good lifting these soldiers spirits . If the world would listen to me and stop playa hatin on Slick Willie there wouldn't be a problem .I really don't know why People are trippin on the fact that our President is having sex ... hell people should be happy that he was getting his freak on cause as long as the President is having sex we have lil chance of going to war ( I mean ain't no man gonna fight after cummin ' the only thing a man will fight after orgasm is sleep or the woman that he came with before she did ..heheheheheheh ) have ya'll noticed ever since the witch hunt has begun Bill been itchy with the trigger finger ? Bill is like I might be going out but I'm not going out over a broad I banged ... I'm going with a bang . I bet Saddam Hussein is sending women over to the white house to gie the Prez some head so he calms the F$ck down. I'm not upset with the President for having sex in the White House .. I'm upset with him for having sex with Ugly women .. I mean damn when you the President you don't sleep with Monica Lewinsky hell that don't even sound like someone you sleep with Lewisky sounds like someone you root for at a Hockey Game . He should have taken a page out of JFK's handbook he slept with Marilyn Monroe . JFK was a PIMP he had his woman sing happy birthday to him while his wife was next to him in front of a national televised audience ... remember Marilyn was like " Happy Birthday to You HappY Birthday Mr President .... Jackie Sat there rollin her eyes and probably said I can't believe you got this Bitch singin this song while I sit here... Kennedy was cool about his Mackdom though he was like Shuttup I'm the President ! Jacki was like yeah I'll shuttup no but I'm renting the car in Dallas and it's going to be a convertible .... Now that's a conspiracy theory ya'll hadn't thought of huh? Look at the tape Jackie knew when to duck down she was like oh big building .... ( duck down ) POWWWWWW no more birthdays for you .

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CORTNEY GEE

MY FAVORITE BLOG IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
( hell and that's including my own)
THE LO-ZONE
lolitafiles.com
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If you aren't familiar with her great books do yourself a favor and make sure to go to any barnes and nobles or wherever it might be that you steal your reading material and pick her stuff up.
Not only is she a gifted novelist bt within her blog you will read her incredible wit she displays.. I always tell her she aint nothing but a frustrated comic ...

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CORTNEY GEE
This is one of my old journal entries thought you might enjoy reading ... from a middle East Tour about 6 years ago.

I've just recently returned from a very interesting trip ( Eastern Mediterranean ) . I saw many things that tripped me out , while growing up in Cleveland I would have never imagined seeing anything like The Holy land, land of the Pyramids etc. It all started in Sept. 14th at LAX .... I think that LA 's airport is the strangest place in the world I remember when I first landed here and saw women in underwear and high heels , Nuns begging , HiraKrishners harrassing people like Jehovah Witnesses and Movie stars trying to act like a pair of sunglasses was a perfect disguise that I had landed in either Sodom or Gormorah ( take your pick ... New York will be the other city you can't turn and look back on. I'm actually thinking about getting a house in the desert .. seeing that when GOD decides the city of Lost Angeles needs to be underwater ... I'll have beachfront property.) I do love the workers at LAX , they see enough TV personalities not to be impressed at all. As I was checking in my bags one of the porters was doing his security drag asking me those dumb ass questions that no real terrorist in his right mind would ever answer incorrectly. No it's the smart ass comedians that want to poke fun and play word games . Like when he asked me has anyone had the possession of your bag without your knowledge and I asked him if it was without my knowledge how would I know ( he didn't like that !) Or has anyone body strange asked you to transport something for them? I told them that my strange 5 year old son asked me to take a clay model of a dog he made that looks more like a Hippo to me ... but he says it's a dog then it's a dog. He frowned and told me that I was not funny , not even on Comicview . I wasn't pressed about what he thought of my talent and his opinion didn't jeopardize his tip from me... seeing I was giving his disgruntle bad career for his happiness choosing ass a tip anyway . I took OJ Simpson flight though the airport cause he held me up , and when I got to my gate I had some extra time on my hand so I decided to have a Martini... I know it was before 12 noon and I hadn't had breakfast hey I was listening to Frank Sinatra 's Duets it was like paying homage to a true playa plus a martini does have some nutritional value OLIVE is a vegetable.
TWA FLIGHT to Tel Aviv
I'm on a TWA flight bound for Tel Aviv as I write this letter to all of you.
I'm normally not comfortable on a TWA flight seeing that they have had trouble of late keeping their aircraft above the ground in one piece,but their are so many holy men and women (JEWISH) flying with me ... I've found peace. Even if they don't believe that Jesus is the savior it's all good hhehehehee. From my understanding Yahweh and GOD are the same person ( being )....... I figure GOD must be with these people they have survived Pharoah, Hitler and they make good movies too ( SPEILBERGH is the bomb .... thought I would drop that in there just in case someone decided to playa hate and give him this hahahahahaha)

I'm glad to be going back to Europe especially Italy ( I'm touring Isreal,Turkey, Jordan, Syria, and Italy), I love Italy cause that's the only place besides the projects in Cleveland kids sit at dinner table and toss back glasses of wine.When I was last in Rome I was put under the table trying to hang with a 3 year old . I had 5 glasses of Merlot , he put a nipple on a bottle and went to work....
I like the shoes there so I plan on getting a few pair ..for myself PLEASE no request ..this ain't XMAS and your birthday is only important to you and your insurance company =)

What I'll do is try to keep a journal of this trip I'm sure something xciting is bound to happen... especially with all the playa hating going on in DC.The senate is going to mess around and press Bill into starting a war just so his tenure ends with a bang instead of banging an intern.
I'm sitting in my hotel room ( AMMAN, JORDAN )
thinking about my travels and I thought to share my thoughts with all of you. Today began as any I rose I washed my ass and I shaved, unfortunately I picked up some razors at the 99cent store( guess how much they cost?) which nicked the shit out the back of my head. So here I am having to go to breakfast in a four star hotel with a band aid on ala Marcellus ( PULP FICTION). The other comedians and I decided since today was our day off we would do some site seeing and shopping ( hell nah I didn't get you nothing !!!!!) First stop the Jordan Museum which is a medium sized building full of OLD shit. There we saw the RUINS of one of the oldest churches known to man .Oh let me tell you what I found out RUINS mean ... NO AIR CONDITIONER and MANY FLIES. I 'm telling you it' s hot as fish grease in Jordan and if the heat don't beat you the pesky ass flies will. The flies ain't your everyday kinda fly these are ones with attitude I mean you can blow at them and they just keep laying on you ... you can run away from the area in which you first encountered it and that fly will follow you. These are the CARE commercial kinda flies , if one lands on your watermelon he might ask you to put some salt on it.
Next stop was the TEMPLE OF MOSES... this is where MOSES looked from and saw the PROMISED LAND ( did you know he never got there? He died right where I was cause he doubted GOD.) There is a beautiful church there oh yeah one thing though it's a RUIN so there wasn't no A/C up in that camp so I couldn't stay through the whole sermon.
Next stop was the DEAD SEA. We all decided that we would take a swim in the natural healing waters of the famous sea.What we didn' t realize was that you can't swim in the DEAD SEA ... the water is so full of salt that it can make a whale float, I know this to be true for I was floating like I was in a easy chair without trying to. =) What I also failed to realize was that my nicked bald head would be set a fire... oh my goodness I was in a kinda pain that was worst than I can't say I've ever felt , oh that was until I mistakingly got some of that shit in my eyes yo I was blinder than Stevie Wonder. Well needless to say after that HEALING EXPERIENCE I had been touristed the fuck out so I took my battered and bruised ass back to my hotel room .
Oh if you ladies are wondering what the fashion is like here let me tell you , mostly the ladies have on the three layers of dresses and head wraps and they doing this in 98 degree weather , sometimes in RUINS. So if you ever thought that you might wanna marry one of those wealthy arabs you better be leary cause Versace will not be your everyday wear as a matter of fact Versace won't be your anyday wear. The women's right thing hasn't hit the Middle East either so if you are the kinda lady that's aggresive and willing to challenge your man ... do yourself a favor , don't come here.* One more lil note for you ladies if you are a playa hater don't aspire to be a queen here... Men are allowed 4 wives .
( ON STRIKE IN TURKEY)

Hello friends believe it or not I'm sitting here in Turkey between a picket line. Yep the Turkish Workers Union and the US Government are having a big thing to do. It's so much of a thing that this portion of my tour has all but been cancelled due to lack of accomodations and transportation while in Turkey , oh but in true AMERICAN SPIRIT they forgot to inform Washington of the cancellation of my performance. I arrived into Izsmir from Jordan ( land of RUINS) on Monday morning 1 am , I waited for our ride to come pick our group up and I waited and I waited and we all continued to wait until MY CLEVELAND INTUITION kicks in and I said hey maybe , just maybe they aren't coming how about instead of waiting outside ( where it was approoaching 40 degrees) maybe we should get a hotel and get with our host in the Morning . So I called a 4 star hotel seeing that it was going to be on the US Government ( and plus the fact the FASCIST IRS took my 4000.00 tax return and gave it to the Student Loan Communist Party) and booked us some rooms . Much to my surprise the kind attendant told me that a nights stay would only be 19 dollars , damn only 19 bucks for a 4 star hotel ( I thought hey maybe here in Izsmir Motel 6 is the shit! I informed my party of the low rate and they pronounced me a genius ( and you wonder why Iike working with these people ... they recognize true intellect ...hehehehehe) , and we hired a cab to take us to a hotel that was close to the base that we were supposed to be performing at. The USO also had a band of young Mariachi's playing the bases so it took 3 cabs to accomodate all of us and our belongings at 20 dollar apiece. Now that was the best 20 dollars spent in this country, cause the taxi drivers over here have no rules, no fear and no speed limit. Man that 20 was like our admission to Magic Mountain. Our drivers decided to race ... and I had the Racer X for my cabby. We were ahead of the pack for most of the way until one of the turkish grand prix drivers I mean cabbies cut us off ... that bastard ! So my driver Elman took an aggressive stance and rubbed him almost off the road, big points for Elman earned himself a five dollar tip ... I hate losing ! The third driver didn't even figure into the race seeing that he had hit a dog , not that he slowed down to see if the pup was ok .. the bump just put him in dead last no pun intended . Upon arriving at the hotel the kind attendant had our party sign in and asked for our money to stay ... I pulled out a 20 and told him that he could keep the change you laugh but an american dollar can stretch a long way in this almost third world nation. Serge ( my lil nickname for Concierges around the world) looked at me like I had slapped his momma and said 19 .... I was like I know her is 20 stop tripping you can keep the change ... then he wrote down 90 and said 19...so as I pulled out the remaining amount I looked into the faces of my fellow travelers and noticed how my genuis had faded from their thoughts.... hey but we did have fun in that cab .

I'm on my way to Vincenza, Italy . First thing I have to do is get some shoes ( brown ) that match these two suits I had made for me while in Turkey. Burt the tailor to all " Da Brothers" at least that's what he told me over and over and over again, hooked me up with a few 5 button shots.... very impressive work seeing that he did all this work overnight from a drawing that I sketched. I'm also looking forward to the rich taste of expresso. There is no feeling in the world like smoking a Cuban and sipping a hot shot of that caffiene concoction. Seeing that I'm on this diet and not eating breads, rice and pasta I'm going to miss out on the rich tasting foods but it's not like my greedy ass didn't eat enough of that shit the last time I was here.
Well I wish all of you well .... take care ah pu tarde ( see you later)

So now I'm back and I hope that you all have enjoyed my crazy travels.... I'm going to Japan soon wait till you hear those tales

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CORTNEY GEE

My Most Embarrassing Moment:

When you’ve been as luckless as I have been in this cruel business it takes alot to be crowned the most embarrassing moment , I mean to top having been booed in front of family members , bumped from the comedy line up when there was Hollywood execs looking for talent , or inciting a riot while MCing a Def Comedy Jam audition the moment has to be quite a tale of humiliation.
It’s always funny how these moments of deflatement start out as a light at the end of the tunnel but before it is over you find out that light at the end of the tunnel is a train. I believe that’s why this tale is the winner ... I remember sitting at home probably 2 days away from having my phone cut off and I recieved a call from an Indianapolis Promoter offering me what was to be my most rewarding payday up to that date to perform on Valentines Day at a concert along with some guy who sang named Brian McKnight ...


I’m talking about to the tune of $1700.00 and this money was being offered to a brother that was two days away from a phone cut off and already one week into an eviction . In other words if he had called two days later I wouldn’t have been able to accept the call and if he would have came to my apartment and knocked on my door I wouldn’t have answered it for fear it was the sheriff coming to put me out . I was in such a euphoric state I didn’t take the time to ask the particulars ( which is one of the key ingredients to embarrassing moments ...ignorance) . We tightened up the deal, contracts were overnighted along with half loot down and I recieved my ticket in which to travel. When I arrive into town I’m treated with such a respect that I’m almost uncomfortable I mean just a year before when I hadn’t appeared on tv these guys had me drive myself there , I performed on a collge campus where they had converted the indoor track into a stage area and I stayed in raggedy hotel . This trip was in total contrast to that I mean if the limo ride from the airport didn’t make me feel special what else could until I pulled up to my place of lodging which just so happened to be the eminent Canterbury Hotel made famous by the Mike Tyson trial .I enter my room and there is catered food there no wonder why the limo driver ignored me when I asked him to stop by McDonald’s ( damn I was so ghetto then ... ok ok I ‘ll admit it I’m still ghetto now I just dress better!) On my bed was an iteneriary of the days events ... days event’s I thought to myself I’m going to the mall catch a movie and try to see if anyone recognizes me from Comicview . I do all that was asked of me go to the radio station and be funny giv eaway tickets to the lucky callers . What was strange to me was the frequency that people were calling in order to see this show . I mean I thought I was talented but didn’t have a clue that I had become such a liked commodity in the business.I arrived at the Murat Theatre in as instructed at around 7:30 we did the sound check and I was wisked off to my lavished dressing room . Upon going to get dressed I see this tall thin built brother whom I find out is Brian McKknight and I go up to him and say “ Look man I’m sure that you can sing and everything ... but I’m not a true fan of mixing comedy and singing . I’ve always thought black folks put too much on the blend of humor and song . As a stand up artist I feel like you guys should stay in your arena and we stay in ours . But hey have a good set and do me a favor don’t stay up there too long I’m feeeling it tonight and don’t want to have wait on you. Now you have to understand that I am being such an ass because I’m under the assumption that I am the headliner , I’m not a fan of the radio so I couldn’t tell you who the number one artist in the country is and I don’t know who the hell this guy is although he does have a striking resembelence to one of the singers from take 6 .All I know is I’m getting paid a shit load of money I will have someplace to live when I get back to Cleveland and my phone will on so that I can brag to my friends about riding in a limo and staying in a nice ass hotel. All along Brian is just looking at me with this bewildered glaze and I walk away to get changed . No sooner than I get to the dressing room I get a thunderous knock at the door ... How dare they disturb a star before his coming out ...right? Cause that’s they type of shit I was tripping on . I open up the door and it’s Gino the promoter asking me had I lost my entire mind . I was thinking to myself damn he must know that I stole those nice Terry Clothe robes from the hotel ( and don’t sleep I still got them ,me and my girl still sit around on lazy Saturdays chillin in robes I’ve heisted from Hotels around the world ). I was like damn if it’s all like that I’ll take them out of my suit case and I’ll put them back. Gino was like Cortney the beauty of your behavior is you’re so oblivious to what’s going on they think you are just being the crazy ass hell funny comedian I told them you were other that that you would be fired . I was like fired over a couple of Terry cloth robes ? Gino was like hell nah fired for insulting the number one new artist in the country Mr Brian McKnight ... the headliner of the show .Never has one so big ever felt so small , I’m telling you I’ve never felt smaller in my life than when those words came outta his mouth . Here I am thinking that my ship had sailed in and I was just along for a ride on another man’s yacht .I went out to Mr McKnight’s dressing room which by the way was bigger than mine good thing I hadn’t seen that before I probably would have asked him to get the hell out and switch with me .I apologized and Brian was kind enough to come and watch me perform and told me he liked what I did onstage . Through the years now we have hung out and it gives him pleasure to tell of the night that a big man from BET COMICVIEW treated him like he was still singing in the choir .