Big Blogger Brother Must Be Watching...

For some strange reason I'm not able to post pictures to my blog since last night ... Now I know that check I wrote to my internet provider didn't bounce ( my child support check might have ...)
and my credit card got charged for my webpage . Is there a Cortney Gee Conspiracy in the makings? I will make sure to keep delivering the humor with text until we figure it out ...

IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME ...

I'm more than shocked to find out that Anna Nicole Smith was found dead today. I can only imagine that it's poetic justice or true lovers finally being with eachother . She said that she really felt for then 89 year old J. Howard Marshall that she married a year before his death. I guess the years have been quite rough on old girl . She had to sleep with a virtual corpse , won 474 million dollars in the damn there necrophillia lottery only to have a court say all that nasty work earned her nothing ,looked like a psycho on a reality show, got fat got skinny , and her 20 year old son died the day after her brand new baby was born.

Now the backdoor play has a whole new meaning in the NBA

It's official downlow brotherhood has been declared by former NBA baller John Amaechi... here is an excerpt from an article about him in 2001 ... it's like the reporter was already hip ...
"Erudite Orlando center John Amaechi relishes his standing as the most unique player in the NBA

HE CARRIES A LAPTOP COMputer almost everywhere he goes, updating his Web site regularly. He reads books on child psychology. He visits art galleries and museums. He looks for seminars to attend when his team has an off-day on the road. He writes poetry--and he writes it well.

Yes, John Amaechi plays basketball in the NBA, but he isn't really a basketball player. He is a Renaissance Man. The Orlando Magic have uncovered a real breath of fresh air.

Amaechi is bidding to become one of the better centers in the Eastern Conference this season, yet basketball actually bores him. He would rather be talking French with Atlanta Hawks center Dikembe Mutombo than talking trash with Detroit Pistons center Eric Montross.

He would rather be sipping tea in his favorite coffee shop than scouting one of his rivals on television. His life is too short to be consumed by a game. There is little passion to his play, but a wonderful love for his life.

"Basketball does not define me," he says. "It's my occupation for now, but it's not my definition."

Raised in Manchester, England, he is the first player from Great Britain to play in an NBA regular-season game. And he also is arguably the league's most intellectual player."

I bet you every player he ever took a shower with or recieved the pat of the rear from is furious!!

So British of him to be into buggery!!!!

iPOD or NOT iPOD.. that's a good question...

Recently the people at Microsoft threw themselves into the MP3 player game and introduced the ZUNE. Well I'm not hating on Bill "Onnairre" Gates but I'm cool on his latest technological offering. I'm an admitted Applehead and Ipod addict. I have been down with mac before there was laptops.




Though I'm shame to admit it there was a time when I used to take my old mac desktop in my trunk whilst on the road writing jokes . Talk about mobile computing and there's a visual for you.

I have so many iPods I have them set up in all my rooms , hell I'm ready to post one up I saw on the internet for the bathroom. I could play relaxing jazz while I read the Bible .

Cortney Gee's True Cleveland Comedy Stories:

I have had the pleasure of working with some of today's brightest comedy stars . The darkest moment I shared with a artist had to be the night I opened The Mike Epps Comedy Tour and Charlie Murphy got booed . When I said booed I mean really like Boo N*kka get off stage booed !!!

I was horrified seeing he was getting way more money than me and I had rocked the crowd plus this cat is brother to a comedy legend.

Some people don't understand or appreciate the degree of difficulty associated with stand up comedy. We are truly only as good as our last joke with the audience.

After the show I talked to Charlie who though shaken was cool about the experience. Gotta give the brother props he took that in stride.
Plus he and Dave Chapelle gave us one of TV's funniest skits with the Rick James bit

Thin Line Between In Love and In Sane


Many of you have probably heard like I have of the astronaut Lisa Nowak driving 900 miles in a piss soaked diaper from Houston to Orlando to settle some scores with her other dude's other woman. Talk about losing your mind over something or someone. When you put on on a diaper gas up your car and tell your husband look I'll be back I have some sh*T I have to handle ..Holla!! You have crossed over that thin line.




That's something I was talking to a friend about just the other day . Those things that we do that can cause someone to don camouflage make up, fatigues and be lurking in your bushes with a butter knife between their teeth. That's why I break up the old fashion way... let's not be friends , we don't need to keep in touch and if you see me walking down the street and I start to cry each time we meet... those are tears of joy ... I'm mad dammit WALK ON BY!!!

The Love Doctor

Some things are just against the rules ...

The other day a friend of mine asked me what I thought about a situation that her friend was suffering through. For a few months her girlfriend has been secretly seeing her babies daddy's childhood friend. She met the childhood friend before the baby daddy but he moved away and in the interim she met fell in and out of love with her babies daddy . Now that he is back in town and she and her ex are no longer a couple and only share a child, she feels that it's perfectly ok to pursue the relationship with dude.

I listened to this with mouth open wide and dumbfounded. I mean there has to be something sacred in relationships and knocking your boys babies mamma's boots has to be one of them. I would question just how much a friend my friend was if he could do that to me and I would think that my babies mamma was using my boy as a weapon against me .

I know I bury my ex's in a graveyard but i hope that none of my friends decide to be archaeologist and dig up her bones and decide to play with them.

What do ya'll think about this one ?

The Mothership Has Landed... yet some still need a flashlight!!!



I have been a funkateer since 76' snuck and saw the landing of the Mothership with my big cousin Sandy. That was the best concert I had ever seen.

9 years old came in the house half high on a contact singing " Make my funk the P Funk.." My mamma whupped my ass . Second hand weed smoke numbed the lashes.
One of the few moments when the ass whuppin didn't outweigh the action.

A couple of years ago I was in Amsterdam and had the opportunity to perform on stage as a backup singer for the P Funk AllStars.

Eddie Griffin and I entertained the good folks of holland to a month of shows at the Comedy Cafe there and through him I was allowed up on stage.Much to my surprise Micheal " Kid Funkadelic " Hampton , a fellow Clevelander recognized me and was like you know the words right? I was like hell yeah then he told me to go out onstage and sing . It wasn't like George would have known he was high as gas prices last summer.
















I don't know how many of you have listened to the lyrics or read the great cartoons on the back of the old lp's. But George was dropping some real knowledge on them...

Our kids have been cheated

When I was young you could see the biggest aand brightest stars joked and jam on Sesame Street or the Muppet Show .
Now of course my kids are too old to be looking at Sesame Street
( is that show still even on?) and even they were still young would they be dumb as we were not too question Ernie and Bert living together , Cookie Monster obvious addiction, The Count being a pimp , Big Bird's gay relationship with Snuffi and Oscar needing anger management and welfare assistance .


What's really a shame my kids didn't get a chance to see Lil Micheal Jackson perform.

My youngest Cortney Jr actually argued me down that Usher was a better entertainer than Micheal Jackson ...

Thank GOD for youtube!!!

When being a friend is more than enough...
Being the bachelor friend that most of my partners girls despise the most. Just who do they call when the bliss has worn over and they want to escape? Me ... which only makes their girl ( wife , fiance etc.) hate Cortney Gee even more.

See I live alone in a three bedroom ranch home with a fully finished basement . Not like I can tell friends no when they need refuge... but now I do.
One partner too many has made it where there is no need to guess if you can use my guest room.
Dude smoked weed in the crib when I was gone even when I told him to not do so. Not like I haven't ever smoked a joint or two or three or a nickel bag or a dime or a quarter. But that was when I was either very young or in Amsterdam , whatever happens in amsterdam stays in amsterdam especially if you like to window shop.

To top it off here is a brother crashing on my couch burning up my lights basking in my heat and had the nerve to invite a chick over and making out on my couch . I haven't been able to look at that couch the same since. ( febreeze might knock out the scent but the memory still lingers)

I'ze Free For Now

If you have been coming to the blog and read about me having to go to court about what I consider to be the most bogus ticket I ever received ... here's the update. Went to court today plead not guilty ( like any innocent or guilty man should) . So the magistrate gave me a court date to face the accusing officer at Cleveland Justice Center.
Feb 27 I'm going to represent myself in front of a jury ( like that dude that shot the folks on that train) if you have never laughed at a court case that was pure entertainment when he confronted the people he had assaulted. " So who shot you?" When they all replied ahhh it was you!!!!!
He asked the judge could you please excuse this witness he or she is hostile .


On the 27th I stand before Judge Keough.From what I understand she is fair. But if she is not Im going to take a page out out Pacino's book and be like you're out of order , your'e out of order this whole damn court is out of order.

So get the Free Cortney Gee t shirts ready ...

Kill Murder Death Die Dammit

I watched the Super Bowl on sunday and effectively went cold turkey on my Law and Order jones.
For those that haven't figured it out I loathed reality tv.



I've become hooked on L&A doesn't matter which one either if there is a marathon I'm propped in front of the television for a entire day of mayhem.





I like the old school one best Jerry Orbach's sharp wit made the show.









Can somebody tell me what evil deity Ice T sold his soul to to be a regular cast member with his horrible acting ass ? Was it Babel, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan or was it all of them.












What's your favorite Law and Order ?

This weeks post will not be televised will not be televised will not be televised... but the blog will be live...
I promised over the weekend that I wouldn't blog any sexual material . I figured after the two stories concerning my freaky auntie it's only fair that I pen something that showcases my more sensitive side.

Today in the wake of my court date ( I speak of it like it's a double murder I'm indicted for... I've been accused of running a stop sign) I've been thinking of all the things I've never done that I most people have... like been invited to a wedding .

I know that sounds retarded right . I mean people have invited me to funerals which by the way I don't like to attend. I do like funeral after parties though ... found myself at a few of those and didn't even know the person they were toasting off ooh wee too much fun to even write about .
But when it concerns my good friends that find themselves in love and ready for the big commitment they never tell me about it until after the fact or when they are ready to be divorced.

I'm serious ya'll wouldn't believe how many times my friends have called me and struck up the conversation about how they was thinking about divorce and I've replied by saying " You're Married ?"

DC (regular blogger )... the other day he was over to my house talking about relationships and he spoke of his second wife . I was like second wife? I didn't know he had been married one time let alone two times.
One of my boys told me straight up what it was about me that kept me from being on the invite list to a marriage. "Cortney my girl hated you cause you symbolize the thing that she was taking me away from... bachelorhood!"
Wow so it's true to be married you gotta have like minded partners huh?
He was right cause if I had been invited when the Reverend asked that question ," If there is anyone here that does not approve of this bonding let them spoke now or forever hold his or her peace ." I would have at least coughed.
I'm grown now and this bachelor thing is slowly becoming I'm going to be an old dude by my damn self.
So if any of ya'll are about to jump the broom send a brother an invite.. I promise I'll behave and look good in my tux.

Black Man Coaches Indianapolis SuperBowl Win
White Quarterback Wins MVP






















But the big story is The Purple One Turns Out HalfTime Show


Prince Rogers Nelson did his thing in royal fashion and truly outshines the game. I was taken back to the 80's when he and The Gloved one were neck and neck on who was R&B's baddest.









Not even the heavy downpour could put a drizzle on his purple rain. Found it to be humorous when he quipped " Take a picture of me performing in the rain... Baby I'm a star!!!"

Since the infamous Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction the halftime show producers have taken precautions with whom they booked to perform. I was blown away when i found out they was going to have Ecnirp do his thing. Seeing there was a time that Prince didn't have a problem with showing his ass literally on stage.

But now that he is a Jehovah's Witness and damn there 50 he is tame enough to to deliver a show that's user friendly for the good folks at CBS.

Did anyone notice that even in the all that rain his mascara didn't run?

Next Weeks Blogs....


Will not have any sexual connotations.I've committed myself after watching Creflo Dollar and Joel Osteen on tv to writing from a higher plane...

























Yeah that where I get my religion.. it's from the comfort of my home and there are no collection plates passed around.















So I'll be posting if I'm not in the can ... about things of a more gentle ( gentile) nature!!!

Fugg The Police!!!

Of course some of the readers will take this statement to a whole nother level and go look to bone those that serve and protect.
Going to court on a bogus traffic ticket on Monday morning ...

Hope it all works out or I'm going to have to write the blog on toilet paper and post it later..




Sincerely Yours,
Mr. Gee
"I am a Revolutionary!!!"

GET YOUR TEE SHIRTS NOW!!!!


If ya'll don't see a blog posting after Monday Afternoon.. ya'll know what it is....
Purchase the T shirt so I can post bail...

Write A Letter To Myself...

If I could go back and talk to that 18 year old that I was in 86' and guide him so that I wouldn't have had to endure some of life pains... I wonder would I really keep me from living.


They say hindsight is 20/20 but what bad choices I've made have definitely been the foundation for the MAN that I am today.

What wouldnt' I have done ...
Took out that student loan.. I never finished college, don't feel that I need to finish paying back the loan.
Let me tell you they hunt you down... If they want to find Bin Laden the CIA should enlist student loan people or child support in the effort!
Ok there might be at least a few things I would have done that I didn't like...
1991 I would have invested 5000.oo dollars in trogan condoms right before Magic made the big announcement!
Instead of just buying a new Apple Computer I would have bought some stock right before they launched the iPod . ( kick myself in the ass for those choices everyday when I blog on this Powerbook)



Maybe I would have told myself to wear a condom at least three more times ...
but I wouldn't have had " The Monkees".
So in looking back even my most fugged up choices produced gems!!!

Back Down Memory Lane ...


The other day I was riding down a major street in Cleveland and to my horror I saw a part of my young adulthood demolished. The Miles Drive In for decades provided the youth the joy of cinematic viewing and carnal pleasures. Well they have torn it down and planning to put a shopping center on the lot that I frequented when I was too young and broke to go to a motel.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has memories of playing stink finger while watching a double feature horror flick.Back then I thought the directors of those movies placed the screams strategically to drown out the sounds of young lovers either having a great time or trying to figure out what they were doing. I promise you it took particular skill to get it on in a hatchback... but if you had the usage of a luxury sedan it was like being at the Hilton Suites.

Back then I had a 1977 Chrysler New Yorker
I shared with my mom during my school days .

My friends called it "The Love Boat."


My mom thought of it as her Holy Roller.
The worst thing about those times I used the car on friday and saturday doing the devil's work she used it on Sundays to go to church and Febreeze hadn't been invented.
I don't want all of you thinking that this is just a post about me reminiscing about the ghost of freak moments past... The Miles Drive In is where I first saw my fantasy do her thing ...back in like 73' my mom and her girlfriend snuck my sister and I and Carol's 6 kids ( we were in the trunk of a cadillac.. thank GOD the trunk opened when we got passed the cashier !!!) to see Coffy...

Ok This Post Beats An Old Horse...



I'm more than happy to be receiving all the patronage on the blog and the comments have been great ... keep them coming and I'll continue to write the funny.

Today it was colder than wolf coochie here in Cleveland. Wasn't sure to write about so I watched some tv and didn't know that the airwaves were so bombarded with sexual dysfunctional aids for men and women.
The cialis commercial tickled me most not because of the long lasting promises of the pill but because of the people they are advertising to.
Ya'll know I've suffered through the after dinner desert my Aunt ( Blank... yeah like I'm going to tell ya'll her name so at next family reunion she rolls her eyes at me ) and her dude Mr. Marvin ( yeah I said his name he ain't family and he old enough he might not be her for next reunion no way) enjoyed. After reading your replies about that post I thought ok maybe having good times in your golden years isn't that bad but to arm these old men with that much penile power and unleashing them on women who may have not been getting that kinda action just ain't fair. Old people already have trouble with hip injuries . To put their hips at greater peril cause Mr. Marvin and his cialis pill popping contemporaries found the synthetic fountain of youth that might be grounds for lawsuits.
My aunt getting her groove on is a health risk I don't know her medicare will cover.
Not going to lie and say I haven't tried at least a half of one of those pills didn't want to be that excited for 36 hours ( wtf) . That's a whole day and a half of being too prepared to knock the bottom out of something ....
The side effects normally make you think twice putting any medicine in your body right?

"Like all medications, CIALIS may have some side effects. The most common side effects with CIALIS are headache, upset stomach, back pain, and muscle aches. These side effects usually go away after a few hours."

Those side effects sound like the normal byproduct of doing it !!!!

Before taking any medication you should read the instructions .. says take it at least 30 minutes before engaging . That means whomever you intend to have sex with actually has to show up . No room for you calling me talking bout my babysitter can't work tonight ya dig !!!

The Mastering Of The Art Of Self Pleasure

I didn't know so many people spent safe sexual moments alone as I do. But as we get older it's not as taboo to admit about masturbation. I've talked to at least two female companions that have bragged about breaking dildos ( of the penis sort /or penis & bunny) . Both were confused of what to do with the devices when their doom came about. I suggested that they bury them in the backyard . That's how I have treated canines that have brought me joy. I figured that if the toy had been enjoyed to the point where it didn't work no more a wake and proper burial was in order.

" How can I say goodbye to what we had !!!"
My one friend said her toy which she dubbed " The Big Bang Theory" didn't go without a fight .

Before it went to that big sex toy store in the sky it buzzed at a speed she didn't know it was capable of pop fizzed and damn there set her nether region on fire... but it was the best orgasm she ever had.
These two friends are sexually liberated and didn't mind sharing these tales with me . Of course i have come across women that aren't as open about their vibrating friends and when questioned about them they'll swear the vibrator are for their back. Then I ask the question well why isn't shaped like a hand so I can use it too?
Men just don't have it as good .. when a woman has a sex toy it's a sign of her sexual growth and independence .
If we have something underneath our beds men are freaks.
I'm glad that all I need is lotion and imagination to get me there.

Sheletha and Romina aren't going to like this one

Janice Dickinson may have something against large black women and think they have no place in super modeling . But from these pics you can see she likes big black men and think they have a place in super models( even ancient ones).

I don't watch reality tv so I didn't realize whom she was when we were performing together in NYC . I was playing her off the whole night like I'm Cortney Gee (bleep) enjoy yourself....
Just cause I know Lance and DC will ask .. hell no I didn't hit that ..
dawg I wouldn't hit that with ya'lls thang !!!

Friday Night and this is all the love I'm going to be getting ...


Don't get it twisted ... ain't no love like puppy love .

Well human love is better but this is what my evening offers me .






Worst thing you can do when owning dogs is let them see you doing it. I have a bitch( female dog) that really believes she is my lady and any time I have company she paces back and forth in her kennel intimidating them. Looking at them like I would kill you if I could get out this cage.

Looking at me like , how could you ? I make sure to protect you , I've bared puppies for you to sell and you have the nerve to flaunt your women around in my face.

My stud dog Gotti is the worst he will walk in the room when I'm doing it and give me the look like you call that doggystyle...? Then hightail it away in disgust.

black history moment
Monday I have to go to court for a traffic ticket. When I was pulled over by the officer ( black cop) he was being real smug with me and I had to bite my lip to keep from going there with him.
My very good friend Romina was on my bluetooth hearing all that was said between the two of us and coaxed me into letting it ride . After he had wrote me the ticket and I had called him every black bastard I could beneath my breath she asked my why i had reacted the way i had toward the officer.

I told her that I was tired of policemen seeing me on a routine stop and preparing for trouble by unlocking their guns and having hand on weapon.
She didn't feel me .
I explained more .
I told her look I don't have a gun and here it is someone with a license to kill is threatening my existence . I don't appreciate it.

She questioned was it worth it to go to jail just because i wanted the officer to know I wasn't satisfied with his mistreatment of me .

Hell Yeah .. I am a revolutionary!!!!!
I informed her that many of our greatest leaders

have had to spend a day or two in the joint because they stood strong against injustices perpetrated against them or the masses
Power to the People ....and if ya'll don't hear from me by mid afternoon the man won and I'm in need of a rally or a march

hehehehehe

Can't afford to die ..
Let alone commit suicide. That's what a friend and I came up with . She was crying I mean really boo hooeying .. and I told her go on and cry they say tears cleanses your soul...
told her to give her's a deluxe car wash!!!! Then put some armor all on her life and keep it pushing .

Today if I ate a bullet sandwich I wouldn't leave nothing but bad credit to my kids .

So I have to be here ... if for no reason other than to torture my creditors...

THE LOVE DOCTOR:

Move to Georgia, what's on your mind ?


Just got off the phone with a friend who did the reverse migration and left Chitown and moved to Georgia . Not Atlanta, Ga. but Bumfugg, Ga.

She was complaining about how racist she felt the people were and how unfriendly she found them to be toward outsiders.
She asked me what I thought she should do.
I paused then hit her with yet another Geeism.
" There was a reason our recent ancestors left from down there ... and I just don't believe that reason has been bred out or is extinct."
I've been to the south and have had some great times there ( my seeds live in the ATL) .
But at this point in my life I'm cool with covert racism found in the north and like it served that way.
She is packing her bags and headed back home after just 5 months of being there ...

Just what the hell is in the Coke?
Joya Williams was about to get 1.5 million and now faces 10 years to give Pespi the secret .



I got boys that did less time for selling goo gobs of " The Real Thing ".

Well I know for certain from this mugshot she didn't use the money she did recieve to get her hair done. DAMN!!!!

Let's get ready to Rumble...

Carmelo Anthony has been snubbed as an All Star because of his weak ass back peddling punch thrown at Madison Square Garden . In Carmelo's defense he was in Da Garden.. hell Ali and Frazier fought at Da Garden.
And where better for a brawling big man to be on display than Vegas ...

David Stern has done enough to make the NBA not as exciting as it was back in the day... (that failed new ball experiment , letting the refs take things too seriously and allowing too many unfinished products into the league getting on the job experience)


I say let the fight ... like in the NHL
if someone is leaning on you too much or has elbowed you one too many time you should be allowed to give them the Kermit Washington / Rudy T treatment . Then do ten minutes in a penalty box and go right back to playing like nothing went down.

Spread The Word!!!

I can't just keep dropping the gems for myself and a few.. if you have a mailing list... herd them to this blog.

Thanks for the great comments ...

keep em coming.

Is there a age when
bumping uglies is just ugly?



I'm closing in on 40 and feel that I'm really in the prime of my sexual life
( not that I last as long as I used to nor want it as much as I once did) .
But my mental game in the bed is on deck. Meaning ...
I've learned to listen to her music other just go through the motions of what I think she wants me to do.
Even with this feeling of sexual prominence I damn sure don't think that 25 years from now I'm going to be still trying to get my freak on. Of course I don't plan on not having female companionship but I would like to think that I will by then grown to enjoy the company of the opposite sex and not be thinking of hitting that.
I'm sure many reading this are wondering just where in the hell is Cortney going with this post.
Ok here it is... found out that my elderly relative was still doing it and it tripped me out.
Fell asleep over their house after a big meal and was awaken by sounds coming from their room that sounded not like sex noises but more like over exertion and possible injury. I was frozen with the thought that my auntie might be doing the do . I mean they are like in their late 60's .

I thought to